As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
