you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
