ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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