Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
