I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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