dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
