Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
