Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
