Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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