capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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