god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
