True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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