I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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