it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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