All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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