I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize