Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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