Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
