My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
