He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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