return my video game
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
