my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
