What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
