No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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