Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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