Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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