You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
