Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
