Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
