you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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