Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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