i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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