If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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