You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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