1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
