So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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