Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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