OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I have aggressive nipples.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
