my soul wont recognize me after tonight
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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