I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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