I want to stick my p in your. b.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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