duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
