Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
