Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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