the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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