We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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