OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
