An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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