You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
