Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
