i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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