just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
