I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
