My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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